Mediocre Mum

Is ‘neglect’ a good parenting skill?

Do you ever see or hear something that really ‘clicks’ with your ideals of parenting?  This happened to me a couple of weeks ago when I was watching Desperate Housewives.  If you’re not a fan don’t run away as it’ll still make sense.

Gabby was deemed a bad parent by the neighbourhood mums after one of their kids got hurt in her care when the girls decided to slide down the stairs in a suitcase, which sound like great fun to me!  To get back in the good books she threw a lavish birthday party for her daughter involving a monkey and a clown.  Unfortunately, the monkey went berserk and resulted in a tranquilizer gun and the clown being taken away on a stretcher.

That night, like we all do, she was beating herself up about being a bad mum and this is the conversation she had with her husband, Carlos.

Carlos: Stop beating yourself up, it wasn’t that bad!

Gabby: Carlos, the monkey almost killed the clown, that’s the definition of a bad children’s party!

Gabby: Ana’s right I am a terrible mum.

Carlos: Look, I am no expert on raising children.  All I know is when all the other children ran screaming to their mums, Juanita jumped into the bouncy castle and zipped it up and her sister played dead.  Those girls are smart…which they wouldn’t be if you’d been hovering all over them their whole lives.  They’ve learned to be independent and resourceful and that is thanks to your negligence.

I don’t think I need to add anything as I think this says it all! :-)

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41 responses to “Is ‘neglect’ a good parenting skill?”

  1. mediocremum Avatar
    mediocremum

    Neglect is probably the wrong word but hopefully it made sense. I have to say I don't do it all the time either and we are going through quite a needy stage! ;-)

    Reply
    1. Morag Gaherty Avatar
      Morag Gaherty

      I strongly believe in “benign neglect” but get lots of odd responses from other parents. It seems to me that here (in the UK), the main middle class fear seems to be not so much the kids coming to any harm but the fear of what other people will say. Well I say stuff that!

      I raise my children according to my mother’s philosophy: a mother’s role is to train her children for independence, not to act as their personal slave. I am a terrible mother in many people’s eyes: I forget to feed them, forget to send them to bed at the right time, don’t tidy up after them etc etc. But everyone, without exception, comments on how independent and self reliant my boys are. I often say I could leave Bob (11) in France and tell him to make his way home – and he would.

      So whatever my failings as a mother, I am very proud of my children. More parents need to be less afraid. It IS hard, especially at first, but if we teach our children to think and not expect someone else to do it for them, they really benefit.

      Reply
  2. Single Motherhood Challenges Avatar
    Single Motherhood Challenges

    I know exactly what you mean! when I saw this … whenever it was, I just thought “Yep!! So damn right! And yet I get moaned at for not mollycoddling my lil guy” x

    Reply
  3. JulieB Avatar
    JulieB

    You are right – we definitely molly-coddle our children too much these days (cue long rant about “in my day we played outside for hours without our parents knowing where we were” etc etc). Still, I suppose stranger danger, the increasing traffic all play their part. I am currently trying to take your advice and neglect my children, but sadly have one hanging on the back of my chair as I type, therefore this will not make any sense and I had better leave it at that….!

    Reply
  4. its my good life Avatar
    its my good life

    Interesting take on neglect. I still don't think I'll be letting Little Man out to play for a while longer yet.

    Reply
  5. mediocremum Avatar
    mediocremum

    Neglect is the wrong word….I need to come up with a different word. Suggestions??

    Reply
  6. Eggs, cream and honey Avatar
    Eggs, cream and honey

    I get what you are saying here. Perhaps you could put neglect in quotes. I'm definitely a neglectful mum in the Gaby sense! I love my kids but it's important for them to be able to “get on with it”. Because hey I need to be able to get on with it too. And if you're always hovering well life is just not your own.

    Reply
  7. vegemitevix Avatar
    vegemitevix

    I absolutely agree. When I was a kid growing up in Fiji we were friends with a family with six kids. Mrs K had the right idea – 'kids need to eat a little dirt'. She wasn't unkind to her kids at all, just a little outnumbered. I've always believed she had the right idea. I noticed a tendency over here (in the civilised world!) to really over-parent kids, shepherd them everywhere etc. Back in the 'colonies' I think they do get a little more dirt..maybe because it's safer?

    Reply
  8. Phil Buckley Avatar
    Phil Buckley

    It’s a balancing act that seems to be more difficult to get right now for some reason…see my thought on anti-bac and other childhood hazards here http://wp.me/pqVz4-6J

    Reply
  9. Iain Gilmour Avatar
    Iain Gilmour

    I refused to have a stairgate when we had children. I figured I was more likely to hurt myself tripping over it than they were by falling down a few stairs a couple of times and learning balance. It worked – they never fell more than a few stairs and as far as I can recall only did it once.
    Thing is when we had other toddlers around who were used to stairgates, we had to erect a barrier to stop them getting near our stairs but that was never a problem when we visited other houses. We're not silly but we let our children learn their own limits and as a result I think they're stronger and more sensible children.
    Who can walk up and down stairs.

    Reply
  10. Thinly Spread Avatar
    Thinly Spread

    Mine are free range. I like to think of it as hands off unless needed when I swoop down like the proverbial mother hen and clucky cluck cluck to my heart's content. I haven't neglected them any more than you have ('encouraging independence' rather than 'neglect' perhaps?) and they seem to be turning out alright!

    Reply
  11. mediocremum Avatar
    mediocremum

    Funnyyou say that….I'm Canadian…amongst parents I am considered to be fairly chilled on the verge of reckless…but when I go home (Canada) they all laugh at me for being overprotective! It's a whole different world. I really want madame to grow up like I did!

    Reply
  12. mediocremum Avatar
    mediocremum

    I've done the same approach with my husband….I've given him the opportunity to learn so he can stand on his own two feet!

    Reply
  13. mediocremum Avatar
    mediocremum

    So easy to do out of the UK! Wait till you come home….a zillion posts in the making. Honestly, it's out of control and riduculous over here!

    Reply
  14. mediocremum Avatar
    mediocremum

    Off to add the quotes! :-)

    Reply
  15. mediocremum Avatar
    mediocremum

    So glad you agreed!

    Reply
  16. notesfromlapland Avatar
    notesfromlapland

    really? Oh dear…should make for an interesting month then!

    Reply
  17. chickenruby Avatar
    chickenruby

    with 5 kids aged 22-11 these are the following related incidents:
    1 broken nose (from a fight) 1 burn (unattended iron) 1 infection (from picking scabs) 1 helicopter trip (on the rugby pitch) 1 black eye (from a fight) & 1 fractured skull (didn't take high chair on visit) and that is all.

    Reply
  18. notesfromlapland Avatar
    notesfromlapland

    agreed! Let them get on with it and enjoy themselves, learn stuff like jumping off the back of the sofa hurts, rather than standing over them issuing instructions and protection the whole time.

    Reply
  19. mediocremum Avatar
    mediocremum

    Doing my best to be free range…only fall down when I get pressure and looks from the other mums! Need to learn to ignore it. Thick skin required.

    Reply
  20. mediocremum Avatar
    mediocremum

    Thank god health care is free in this country!

    Reply
  21. Susie @ Newdaynewles Avatar
    Susie @ Newdaynewles

    LMAO!It is a good thing my kids are so independent because since I started blogging 2 months ago they have needed to fend for themselves.I think a bit of both is needed.

    Reply
  22. Linsay Crawford Avatar
    Linsay Crawford

    I agree with the other comments. Over parenting your child will not help them in the long term. Children should be encouraged to develop some sense (age appropriate obviously) of independency and sefl confidence.rnrnrnIu2019ve tagged you over at mine u2013 http://www.midsummermoon.co.uk/2010/04/15/sunshine-award-whats-in-your-handbag/rnHope you take part if you havenu2019t all ready.rn

    Reply
  23. Linsay Crawford Avatar
    Linsay Crawford

    I agree with the other comments. Over parenting your child will not help them in the long term. Children should be encouraged to develop some sense (age appropriate obviously) of independency and sefl confidence.rnrnrnIu2019ve tagged you over at mine u2013 http://www.midsummermoon.co.uk/2010/04/15/sunshin… you take part if you havenu2019t all ready.rn

    Reply
  24. Linsay Crawford Avatar
    Linsay Crawford

    I agree with the other comments. Over parenting your child will not help them in the long term. Children should be encouraged to develop some sense (age appropriate obviously) of independency and sefl confidence.rnrnrnIu2019ve tagged you over at mine u2013 http://www.midsummermoon.co.uk/2010/04/15/sunshine-award-whats-in-your-handbag/rnHope you take part if you havenu2019t all ready.rn

    Reply
  25. Linsay Crawford Avatar
    Linsay Crawford

    I agree with the other comments. Over parenting your child will not help them in the long term. Children should be encouraged to develop some sense (age appropriate obviously) of independency and sefl confidence.rnrnrnIu2019ve tagged you over at mine u2013 http://www.midsummermoon.co.uk/2010/04/15/sunshin… you take part if you havenu2019t all ready.rn

    Reply
  26. Linsay Crawford Avatar
    Linsay Crawford

    I agree with the other comments. Over parenting your child will not help them in the long term. Children should be encouraged to develop some sense (age appropriate obviously) of independency and sefl confidence.rnrnrnIu2019ve tagged you over at mine u2013 http://www.midsummermoon.co.uk/2010/04/15/sunshin… you take part if you havenu2019t all ready.rn

    Reply
  27. Linsay Crawford Avatar
    Linsay Crawford

    I agree with the other comments. Over parenting your child will not help them in the long term. Children should be encouraged to develop some sense (age appropriate obviously) of independency and sefl confidence.rnrnrnIu2019ve tagged you over at mine u2013 http://www.midsummermoon.co.uk/2010/04/15/sunshin… you take part if you havenu2019t all ready.rn

    Reply
  28. Linsay Crawford Avatar
    Linsay Crawford

    I agree with the other comments. Over parenting your child will not help them in the long term. Children should be encouraged to develop some sense (age appropriate obviously) of independency and sefl confidence.rnrnrnIu2019ve tagged you over at mine u2013 http://www.midsummermoon.co.uk/2010/04/15/sunshin… you take part if you havenu2019t all ready.rn

    Reply
  29. Linsay Crawford Avatar
    Linsay Crawford

    I agree with the other comments. Over parenting your child will not help them in the long term. Children should be encouraged to develop some sense (age appropriate obviously) of independency and sefl confidence.rnrnrnIu2019ve tagged you over at mine u2013 http://www.midsummermoon.co.uk/2010/04/15/sunshin… you take part if you havenu2019t all ready.rn

    Reply
  30. Linsay Crawford Avatar
    Linsay Crawford

    I agree with the other comments. Over parenting your child will not help them in the long term. Children should be encouraged to develop some sense (age appropriate obviously) of independency and sefl confidence.rnrnrnIu2019ve tagged you over at mine u2013 http://www.midsummermoon.co.uk/2010/04/15/sunshin… you take part if you havenu2019t all ready.rn

    Reply
  31. Linsay Crawford Avatar
    Linsay Crawford

    I agree with the other comments. Over parenting your child will not help them in the long term. Children should be encouraged to develop some sense (age appropriate obviously) of independency and sefl confidence.rnrnrnIu2019ve tagged you over at mine u2013 http://www.midsummermoon.co.uk/2010/04/15/sunshin… you take part if you havenu2019t all ready.rn

    Reply
  32. Linsay Crawford Avatar
    Linsay Crawford

    I agree with the other comments. Over parenting your child will not help them in the long term. Children should be encouraged to develop some sense (age appropriate obviously) of independency and sefl confidence.rnrnrnIu2019ve tagged you over at mine u2013 http://www.midsummermoon.co.uk/2010/04/15/sunshin… you take part if you havenu2019t all ready.rn

    Reply
  33. Linsay Crawford Avatar
    Linsay Crawford

    I agree with the other comments. Over parenting your child will not help them in the long term. Children should be encouraged to develop some sense (age appropriate obviously) of independency and sefl confidence.rnrnrnIu2019ve tagged you over at mine u2013 http://www.midsummermoon.co.uk/2010/04/15/sunshin… you take part if you havenu2019t all ready.rn

    Reply
  34. Linsay Crawford Avatar
    Linsay Crawford

    I agree with the other comments. Over parenting your child will not help them in the long term. Children should be encouraged to develop some sense (age appropriate obviously) of independency and sefl confidence.rnrnrnIu2019ve tagged you over at mine u2013 http://www.midsummermoon.co.uk/2010/04/15/sunshin… you take part if you havenu2019t all ready.rn

    Reply
  35. Linsay Crawford Avatar
    Linsay Crawford

    I agree with the other comments. Over parenting your child will not help them in the long term. Children should be encouraged to develop some sense (age appropriate obviously) of independency and sefl confidence.rnrnrnIu2019ve tagged you over at mine u2013 http://www.midsummermoon.co.uk/2010/04/15/sunshin… you take part if you havenu2019t all ready.rn

    Reply
  36. Linsay Crawford Avatar
    Linsay Crawford

    I agree with the other comments. Over parenting your child will not help them in the long term. Children should be encouraged to develop some sense (age appropriate obviously) of independency and sefl confidence.rnrnrnIu2019ve tagged you over at mine u2013 http://www.midsummermoon.co.uk/2010/04/15/sunshin… you take part if you havenu2019t all ready.rn

    Reply
  37. Linsay Crawford Avatar
    Linsay Crawford

    I agree with the other comments. Over parenting your child will not help them in the long term. Children should be encouraged to develop some sense (age appropriate obviously) of independency and sefl confidence.rnrnrnIu2019ve tagged you over at mine u2013 http://www.midsummermoon.co.uk/2010/04/15/sunshin… you take part if you havenu2019t all ready.rn

    Reply
  38. Linsay Crawford Avatar
    Linsay Crawford

    I agree with the other comments. Over parenting your child will not help them in the long term. Children should be encouraged to develop some sense (age appropriate obviously) of independency and sefl confidence.

    I’ve tagged you over at mine – http://www.midsummermoon.co.uk/2010/04/15/sunsh…
    Hope you take part if you haven’t all ready.

    Reply
  39. Smotherly Love | Style Trend: Fall 2010

    […] this fun lady on Twitter, @mediocre_mum, and went flipping through her blog and found this lovely post. […]

    Reply
  40. Planet-Cards Avatar
    Planet-Cards

    I loved this episode. Carlos had is bob on I think – Though I can understand why some would get their feathers ruffled by the term ‘neglect’ I think the context and meaning here is understood…. I know I was definately not mollycoddled growing up and more ‘neglected’ and I know that’s definately the type of parenting I will be aiming for.

    Reply

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