fear – Mediocre Mum

Monster rearing it’s ugly head!

The monster has reared his ugly head again in our house but this time it’s in the toilet. A few months back we had a problem with Madame developing a fear of the little buggers in her room at night but with the help of a monster detector and a few nightlights I thought we’d cracked it.

It took me a while to work it out this time. Every time she was going to the loo she’d stick her head in the bowl first and shout ‘Peek-a-boo’, I didn’t think much about it and thought ‘bless’ isn’t that cute. It wasn’t until she started having accidents again after being toilet trained for nearly a year. She would go into the bathroom ask to be left alone and then would proceed to wee herself, poor thing.

My poor judgement and badly timed sense of humour has only exacerbated the situation and I’m now busy trying to undo the damage. I persuaded her to go into the loo and sit down, but I don’t know what possessed me, but as she started to tinkle I said ‘be careful not to poo on the monsters head!’ She jumped about ten feet in the air and ran straight out of the bathroom. I must admit, I laughed hysterically, with tears streaming down my face. Yes, I’m a bad mum.

Needless to say we have had to resurrect the potty. I’ve also tried a few of the techniques suggested on twitter. I purchased some special monster killer (aka Pink Domestos), luckily she can’t read yet and pour it in the toilet before she goes. Unfortunately now, according to her, they’re running around the living room, crafty bastards.

I love her vivid imagination, but don’t like to see her genuinely scared. Hubby and I disagree on one point. He keeps telling her monsters don’t exist; I genuinely believe she is seeing something and trying to persuade her they’re friendly.

How have you banished monsters from your house??

Ophidiophobia – Fear of Snakes

I’m absolutely terrified of snakes, well any reptiles really. So much so, that I won’t go into pet stores unless someone goes in first to check, when I was in primary school boys used to throw national geographic on my desk with pictures of snakes and once I took my 8 year old niece walking in the woods, we came across a snake, I ran away leaving her behind.

Subsequently, when I took Madame to a Creepy Crawly exhibit yesterday at the Stockwood Science Discovery Centre in Luton I was horrified to learn, just as we were about to enter that it wasn’t just a spider exhibit but in fact reptiles. I nearly bolted and a mate offered to take Madame in for me. I don’t want her to develop irrational fears like this so I took a deep breath and went in with her. My heart was racing and I scanned the room for the nearest escape route. The folks at the exhibit were brilliant and as you can tell by the pictures Madame didn’t pick up on my fear! However, you will notice that I’m not in the photos as I was quivering in the corner!

Photos Courtesy of @zooarchaeologis

What’s your worst nightmare?

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Back in my pub days I used to spend some time with some crazy Glaswegian ladies who also happened to be nurses. We always used to joke what a nightmare it would be to be involved in some sort of accident and waking up with them standing over you. Thankfully, that never happened but I did have a close call on New Years day when I ended up in A and E and the majority of staff were either still intoxicated or dreadfully hungover but I won’t go into that now.

This happened to a friend of mine awhile back. She had a terrible phobia of the dentist. I liken it to my fear of snakes, dogs and flocks of birds. Unfortunately, she had a tooth abscess and was in terrible pain. In addition, it was a Saturday and she was supposed to be going on holiday on Monday so she had to bite the bullet (so to speak) and book in with a dentist. Luckily, we have another friend who is a private dentist and a very good one I must add. So, she offered to open up her surgery and sort out my mate’s poorly tooth for her.

Can you imagine the look on her face when she looked up and saw yours truly in place of the dental assistant? It was priceless. Being a Saturday the regular dental assistant wasn’t available, so my dentist friend asked if I could pop in and help as she needed an extra pair of hands and I only lived around the corner. It was great fun, I got to wear one of those face shields, play with all the buttons on the chair and operate the suction! It’s not as easy as it looks! Within minutes and with a bit of drilling they managed to release the pressure and her pain was almost gone instantly.

However, to add insult to injury she had to pay for the pleasure. I bet she wishes she had dental insurance!

Are you scared of the dentist?

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I’m a Freak! I’m scared of Birthday parties!

I’m not afraid of clowns or balloons but today I realised I have a fear of birthday parties (I’m a Fragapene)??? My daughter turns three in 3 weeks. I have always been adamant that I’m not going to get swept up in the madness of having the perfect birthday party, spending hundreds, organising venues, hand-made fairy cake tiers, hiring paedophile clowns, inviting 60 zillion kids and the dreaded party bags. I quietly promised myself that I would keep them small and intimate as long as I could get away with it. Last year we took two of her 2 best friends to a theme park, Gulliver’s World in Milton Keynes, catered by Costco and we had a brilliant time.

However, this morning, I was talking to a good mate and we were trying to think of what I could do this year. She reckons I could use the same model but choose another venue. This is when it dawned on me. It’s not the expense; it’s the whole idea of organising the perfect party that completely freaks me out. Bottom line is I’m shit at organising parties. My hubby’s 40^th was a complete flop. You could see the tumbleweed rolling by. For my own 40^th, in 18 months time, my only request is no party as I’d rather use the money to go away with good friends (@chickenruby I hope). Don’t feel sorry for me but whenever I throw a party either no one shows up or I end up in a room full of people I don’t really like.

I’m not child friendly so the idea of organising party games etc….scares the hell out of me…Do bear in mind that I have skydived, bungee jumped and travelled the world solo. I have faced packs of wild dogs and have been attacked more than once but the prospect of a birthday party scares me even more. This is probably why I opted for a small wedding (16 people only friends and family). It may surprise you but I hate being the centre of attention.

So, with all this, what do you think I should do? I’m tempted to bugger off and take her to Disneyland Paris?? I think it will be money better spent.

Doggie Doo’s and Don’ts!

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I should preface this by saying I’m NOT anti-dog, nor do I think they should be muzzled, not allowed in public places and are just as important to people as children but if you can’t control it then it should be on a lead! I grew up with dogs; we had everything from Maltese poodles to a St. Bernard named Angie, which I used to crawl all over. Unfortunately, somewhere in my late twenties and early thirties I developed an irrational fear of them. I don’t know if it’s the media or my days as a backpacker with rabid dogs.

This morning we were in a lovely green space, with a couple of friends. A dog, not a large one, but a sinewy one, came racing towards us. The owner desperately was trying to call it back but it didn’t listen. You have no idea the level of fear I had….my first response is to run, but I didn’t, I just picked up Madame and then hid behind my friends, like a girl! The gentleman was very apologetic, and I was polite but all I wanted to say was put the (insert swear word) dog on a lead! In the end, I met the dog and it was absolutely fine but I think as a dog owner it’s your responsibility to keep it under control.

I’m doing my utmost to ensure that my daughter doesn’t develop this stupid fear and so far she hasn’t….I’ve allowed her to crawl all over a Newfoundlander. She adores dogs and sadly has a dog lead for her toys but no real dog. The only thing I’m trying to instil in her is that she always has to ask the owner before she approaches them.

I don’t know how many times I have seen dogs run at children in a playful way, but on too many occasions I have seen children in hysterics, and the owner always says don’t worry it’s okay. Sorry, but it’s not okay…..the child is obviously terrified and forcing it isn’t going to help, it’s only going to exacerbate the problem.

Lets meet halfway….I won’t inflict my daughter on people who don’t like kids and if you can’t control your dog please put it on a lead. Thanking you in advance.